Match.com is Stalking Me

So, a few weeks ago I was checking my email and suddenly I saw this…

 

I felt so… violated.

 

Of course I immediately sent them a strongly worded email.
“Hi someone has registered on your site using my email address would you pretty please remove it thank you sorry?”

But everyday I get the latest list of single guys in Connecticut between the ages of 20 and 30.

And being the 38-year-old Texan that I am, it feels so wrong to be getting these updates.  And they come with PICTURES!

Of COURSE I looked at that first email.  And I was deeply deeply sorrowful for all single women in Connecticut between the ages of 20 and 30.  At least the ones on Match.com.

All the stereotypes are represented. And their usernames KILLED ME!!!!

 

Who has not snatched this guy up!!!!

 

 

Hello Wild Thing…..

 

 

But this guy? He is ALL OVER THE PLACE.  In at least 1000 different forms.

 

 

But I can imagine that after putting their best picture up there (2 years ago), they’ve let themselves go a little.  And now they surf Match.com and miss the taste of that last twinkie….

 

But then they find the woman of their dreams….

 

And they “wink” at her.

 

And she’s all…

 

Which just goes to show you that there is someone out there for almost everyone.

But it got me to thinking about what on earth I would do if (heaven forbid) anything ever happened to The Dark Knight.  How on earth would I accurately represent myself now that I have totally grown into the person that I am??

 

I could never get away with laying it all out there.

 

I am way too gone for the dazzling sanity that is Match.com.

Thank God I married young.

Only now I’m stuck with their email spam.

Jan 29, 2013 - Twilight Zone Moments    22 Comments

I Had Weirdness for an Hour on Monday

Basically, we left the house.  That was unusual.

These past few weeks we haven’t done much so evreything has been a blur.

 

Same ole’ same ole’.

So yesterday afternoon I finally found my keys and we went to a soccer feild to weild our mad skills.

 

It felt coastal outside.  Warm and muggy with a cool breeze.  Heaven.  There was nobody out there andthe field was right up against some woods.

So nice.

 

Siggy is a bit of a worry-wart though.

 

So I wasn’t concerned until this enormous deer came galloping out of the woods towards us.

 

The deer, in and of itself, was not such a weird site. Even though San Antonio is a big city, it is full of huge tracts of land.

 

But it was a little creepy that the deer was coming at us.  The boys lost their….marbles.

 

And then, out of the woods behind the deer came a large, white pitbull.

 

…..aaaaaand we all lost our marbles.

 

 

And we hid in the netting while the dog/deer combo passed us by.  Then I tried to get the boys to run back to the van with me but Boy just stood there screaming with his hands over his ears and his eyes shut, and Siggy was scaling my  body like he was about to be eaten by sharks.  So I had to stuff our football under his shirt, pick up both cry-babies and kick the soccer ball back to the car.

 

My pants were barely hanging in there.

But then we got back in the van and we were all…

 

And on our way to sonic (right around the corner), I looked out my window and there was the mayor standing in a parking lot talking to some lady.

 

And I only recognized him because he’s some fancy-pants who spoke at the DNC.  I’m too lazy to google his name.

And then we came home and I ran over to check the mail and I could hear someone talking on a walkie-talkie.  He said, “There’s a nice looking woman headin’ yer way, Walter”.  And for a nano-second I felt all…

 

…and then I looked up and realized it was a really old naked guy…..

 

…and I realized that I could be the love-child of Roseanne Barr and Carrot Top and this guy would still  think I was a pretty little lady.  So I was bummed.  And totally creeped out.  And totally on the lookout for creepy walter.

GET YOUR OWN !@#! BANKIE!!!!!

 

Wow has this been a long week.  A long week of nothing out of the ordinary.  Just me. And the screamers.  Screaming.

I realized yesterday that it was already Wenesday and I hadn’t even thought about posting.  I was all….

 

But then, you know, after a day of changing diapers and wiping peaches off the wall, its hard to produce the mature thoughts.

 

And today I can’t even tell you about my week without putting you in a coma.  So here goes. Get your IV ready.

What happened this week?

Nothing.

Just a nonstop stream of screaming and fighting and legos and eating and wining and Dora the Explorer.

From the minute they wake, the noise begins.

 

They fight over the usual things I guess.  Like the hole in my pants.

This outfit is my REAL uniform. It just takes too long to draw. Also, thats a ruffle on the end of the dress. It looks like I’m wearing thigh-highs. I’m not.

 

There is a hole in my leggings.

 

Weird kid….


 

And then Trouble moseys up…

 

And everything has to involve “turns”.

 

….and thats where it all goes downhill.

 

And thats when I yell things like…

…right when the neighbor walks by our open front door.

But the fighting isn’t as bad as the constant demands.  They act like they’re too short to do anything for themselves! (as if!)

 

Constant constant “MOMMY”s all day long.

 

 

 

 

Oh, well, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your leisure time on the soft fluffy chair.  Let me just put down this stack of laundry to retireve your blankie.

 

Its just constant constant constant constant constant CONSTANT CONSTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

So, no.  No masterpiece today.  No masterpiece this week.  Only chaos.  And pain.  Now I’m off to cry in the corner and eat 30 cookies.

 

Your Horse is Fat

So you know I don’t watch TV.  I LOVE TV.  But now that we have offspring and I have like 3 hours PERIOD to make pretty arts, I can’t watch it.  It will suck me in and I’ll get nothing done.  But I’ve been working on these paintings (which I already had planned out) and I thought it might be nice to have a show going on Netflix while I worked.  New concept!

So I chose a medical drama because I hate medical and I hate drama.  But I figured since I wasn’t actually looking at the screeen most of the time, it wouldn’t be that bad.  I’ve been”watching” it for several weeks now.  ANd last night I learned that if you want to truly the sophistication of the television you watch, just lay out the plot line for someone who isn’t “caught up”.

I won’t even SAY what show I’ve been watching.  Its too embarassing.  If you recognize the plot, DON’T OUT ME!!!!

This exact conversation happened last night.  No words have been changed.

Except Blar Dee Blah. That is a dramatization of the actual show title…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And on a side note, we haven’t laughed like that since I did a painting for my brother-in-law (of a horse….I can’t draw animals….)…

Latty, as in “fatty fatty boobalatty”

 

 

 

So now I am watching better television and painting elephants because its ok if they are a little on the chubby side…..

Jan 14, 2013 - Random Thoughts    33 Comments

I Spew Forth Random Thoughts!

I’ve had a cloud hanging over my head lately.  Not a big, scary, soul-crushing cloud.  Just a little annoying one.

 

I’m finishing up a couple of paintings to make into prints.  Here’s a lovely grainy phone shot.

 

So I’m not SO “down” that I can’t create.  Just…..low.

But then tonight I was trying to decide what I needed to do and I remembered my blog.  I could literally feel the endorphins squirting out of my brain.

 

Part of my problem is that we’re  isolated right now.  Not that we haven’t always been, to some degree.  We’ve always lived away from family and we went 13 years without kids, so we’ve done a lot of alone time.  And neither one of us are lovers of large groups.  Plus The Dark Knight is a little weird…..

 

But now we’re in that phase of life where we have little kids, with one needing above average care. We don’t really have babysitters and even if we did find someone, I’m here to tell you that I have raised the clingiest offspring on the planet.

And this is BEFORE the vomitting starts…..

But I’ve always loved the village idea.  It takes a village to raise a kid.  I was raised by a village.  Now, it was definitely a fruitcake village, full of crazy fundamentalists (I love you crazies), but we DID LIFE with people.  And it was wonderful for as long as it lasted.

I don’t go on and on about it on this blog, but I am a Christian.  And I have a HARD time with church.  Or so I thought.  I realized some time back that it wasn’t church, it was me.  I always feel out of place.

Back when I was wild, I didn’t quite fit in with those crowds.  Like they were bad to the bone and I was just a nerdy weirdo.

And now that I’m in church, I feel like some wildly innapropriate thing is going to fly right out of my mouth and homeschoolers for miles will be scarred for life.

 

The fitting in thing will never happen for me.  But that doesn’t mean I can avoid the human interaction. Its why I’m here.  On earth.  Existing.

And so I’m digging church for the first time in my adult life.

 

They meet in an elementary school.  The musicians are AMAZING but its not a rock concert.  Just a couple of acoustic guitars and this guy who sits and bangs on a box.

 

The Pastor is my age and very….real.

DISCLAIMER: Nothing this stupid would ever come out of his mouth. Its late and thats all I could think of.

 

He reminds us regularly that his heart is corrupt just like the rest of ours (and I believe him).  I think I appreciate him because I can relate with his world view.  Its not narrow.  Its not hateful or exclusive.  Man I need that.

But Sunday mornings are all I’m able to do with our kid situation.  It never gets past that point.

So maybe what I’m feeling is a little bit of loneliness.   I welcome loneliness a lot in my life because…. I like being alone.  But then there are those times when I don’t.

And so after I put the screamers down and crammed 5 bowls of popcorn into my face, I remembered my blog and how so many of you keep coming back even after I post a bunch of crap.  And you comment.  And I love you for it.  Its good for me.  Thank you, peeps.