We were riding in the car the other day and I gave the boys some goldfish crackers so they would have something to put in their pie-holes for five stinking minutes so I could hear myself think.

They were munching for a while before Boy started a slight giggle.  It quickly turned into one of those Youtube baby-laughs where the poor little baby can’t even control its face.

Boy was LOSING it.

I turned around and saw that Sigfried was flicking goldfish into the air onto the floor.

And Boy thought it was literally the funniest things he’d ever seen.

I wish I could have filmed it, it was so cute.  He literally couldn’t stop.

And did I care that the 4-year-old was throwing food on the floor?  If you could see the inside of my car you would understand that, No, I do not care.

But I was envious of the toddler.  Not because of the wet-your-diaper barf-in-your-lap laughter.  To this day I can still totally do that.

I was jealous of this:

DONE!

When he’s done laughing, he’s done laughing.  He can just stop and nobody cares.  Once you get a little older you suddenly have this 12-step-program that you have to go through when you’re finished laughing uproariously.

Oh how I would love to just turn it off without looking like a total nut-job.

So, a few weeks ago I was checking my email and suddenly I saw this…

I felt so… violated.

Of course I immediately sent them a strongly worded email.
“Hi someone has registered on your site using my email address would you pretty please remove it thank you sorry?”

But everyday I get the latest list of single guys in Connecticut between the ages of 20 and 30.

And being the 38-year-old Texan that I am, it feels so wrong to be getting these updates.  And they come with PICTURES!

Of COURSE I looked at that first email.  And I was deeply deeply sorrowful for all single women in Connecticut between the ages of 20 and 30.  At least the ones on Match.com.

All the stereotypes are represented. And their usernames KILLED ME!!!!

Who has not snatched this guy up!!!!

Hello Wild Thing…..

But this guy? He is ALL OVER THE PLACE.  In at least 1000 different forms.

But I can imagine that after putting their best picture up there (2 years ago), they’ve let themselves go a little.  And now they surf Match.com and miss the taste of that last twinkie….

But then they find the woman of their dreams….

And they “wink” at her.

And she’s all…

Which just goes to show you that there is someone out there for almost everyone.

But it got me to thinking about what on earth I would do if (heaven forbid) anything ever happened to The Dark Knight.  How on earth would I accurately represent myself now that I have totally grown into the person that I am??

I could never get away with laying it all out there.

I am way too gone for the dazzling sanity that is Match.com.

Thank God I married young.

Only now I’m stuck with their email spam.

Basically, we left the house.  That was unusual.

These past few weeks we haven’t done much so evreything has been a blur.

Same ole’ same ole’.

So yesterday afternoon I finally found my keys and we went to a soccer feild to weild our mad skills.

It felt coastal outside.  Warm and muggy with a cool breeze.  Heaven.  There was nobody out there andthe field was right up against some woods.

So nice.

Siggy is a bit of a worry-wart though.

So I wasn’t concerned until this enormous deer came galloping out of the woods towards us.

The deer, in and of itself, was not such a weird site. Even though San Antonio is a big city, it is full of huge tracts of land.

But it was a little creepy that the deer was coming at us.  The boys lost their….marbles.

And then, out of the woods behind the deer came a large, white pitbull.

…..aaaaaand we all lost our marbles.

And we hid in the netting while the dog/deer combo passed us by.  Then I tried to get the boys to run back to the van with me but Boy just stood there screaming with his hands over his ears and his eyes shut, and Siggy was scaling my  body like he was about to be eaten by sharks.  So I had to stuff our football under his shirt, pick up both cry-babies and kick the soccer ball back to the car.

My pants were barely hanging in there.

But then we got back in the van and we were all…

And on our way to sonic (right around the corner), I looked out my window and there was the mayor standing in a parking lot talking to some lady.

And I only recognized him because he’s some fancy-pants who spoke at the DNC.  I’m too lazy to google his name.

And then we came home and I ran over to check the mail and I could hear someone talking on a walkie-talkie.  He said, “There’s a nice looking woman headin’ yer way, Walter”.  And for a nano-second I felt all…

…and then I looked up and realized it was a really old naked guy…..

…and I realized that I could be the love-child of Roseanne Barr and Carrot Top and this guy would still  think I was a pretty little lady.  So I was bummed.  And totally creeped out.  And totally on the lookout for creepy walter.

Wow has this been a long week.  A long week of nothing out of the ordinary.  Just me. And the screamers.  Screaming.

I realized yesterday that it was already Wenesday and I hadn’t even thought about posting.  I was all….

But then, you know, after a day of changing diapers and wiping peaches off the wall, its hard to produce the mature thoughts.

And today I can’t even tell you about my week without putting you in a coma.  So here goes. Get your IV ready.

What happened this week?

Nothing.

Just a nonstop stream of screaming and fighting and legos and eating and wining and Dora the Explorer.

From the minute they wake, the noise begins.

They fight over the usual things I guess.  Like the hole in my pants.

This outfit is my REAL uniform. It just takes too long to draw. Also, thats a ruffle on the end of the dress. It looks like I’m wearing thigh-highs. I’m not.

There is a hole in my leggings.

Weird kid….

And then Trouble moseys up…

And everything has to involve “turns”.

….and thats where it all goes downhill.

And thats when I yell things like…

…right when the neighbor walks by our open front door.

But the fighting isn’t as bad as the constant demands.  They act like they’re too short to do anything for themselves! (as if!)

Constant constant “MOMMY”s all day long.

Oh, well, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your leisure time on the soft fluffy chair.  Let me just put down this stack of laundry to retireve your blankie.

Its just constant constant constant constant constant CONSTANT CONSTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, no.  No masterpiece today.  No masterpiece this week.  Only chaos.  And pain.  Now I’m off to cry in the corner and eat 30 cookies.

So you know I don’t watch TV.  I LOVE TV.  But now that we have offspring and I have like 3 hours PERIOD to make pretty arts, I can’t watch it.  It will suck me in and I’ll get nothing done.  But I’ve been working on these paintings (which I already had planned out) and I thought it might be nice to have a show going on Netflix while I worked.  New concept!

So I chose a medical drama because I hate medical and I hate drama.  But I figured since I wasn’t actually looking at the screeen most of the time, it wouldn’t be that bad.  I’ve been”watching” it for several weeks now.  ANd last night I learned that if you want to truly the sophistication of the television you watch, just lay out the plot line for someone who isn’t “caught up”.

I won’t even SAY what show I’ve been watching.  Its too embarassing.  If you recognize the plot, DON’T OUT ME!!!!

This exact conversation happened last night.  No words have been changed.

Except Blar Dee Blah. That is a dramatization of the actual show title…

And on a side note, we haven’t laughed like that since I did a painting for my brother-in-law (of a horse….I can’t draw animals….)…

Latty, as in “fatty fatty boobalatty”

So now I am watching better television and painting elephants because its ok if they are a little on the chubby side…..