“Verbally”, that is.  And we might as well add “mentally”.

I have mental moves that would bring shock and awe to those around me.

But I guess y’all know all about that.

Just last month I dished it out for my sister-in-law.

Her name isn’t Tina but both my boys call her that.

But those are my usual slip-ups.  I have a great filter on my mouth otherwise.  In fact, I have over-filtered issues…

I literally cannot stand for an innocent person to have their feewings hurt…

…and even the not-so-innocent people deserve mercy and IT CAN’T ALL BE ABOUT ME.  I need to tattoo that somewhere.  Maybe on everyone I see on a regular basis (for me, not you).  Somewhere obvious where I can see it and be reminded. Foreheads are good.

But there was once a time….

I can hardly think of these specific thirty seconds without pain in my heart.

It was in the suburbs of Chicago.  4th of July.  We were chilling with friends.  These weren’t our usual group of friends so we didn’t know them that well, but we enjoyed them.  All us women-folk were sitting out in the yard cramming. My best friend eBirdie, was in the house piling enormous gobs of cake on her plate (haha).  I was sitting there alone with a very quiet group.

Unfortunately, every once in a while, when the planets are just right, and I’m in a quiet, uncomfortable-for-me situation, the dam bursts and I just can’t shut my pie-hole.

Its like a nervous tick that only manifests itself once every 7-and-a-half years.

These were NICE girls though and they totally tolerated me.  In fact, the one next to me was the grand-daughter of Mother Theresa.  Or she might as well have been.  Greatness ran in her family and she was uber-precious.  I didn’t know her at all….

Eventually my sass-flaps ran out of nonsense to spew.

And while I was cramming fruit into my face, the nice girl’s baby started to sneeze.

And it was juiciest, slobberyest, sprayiest sneeze you’ve ever heard.

And the baby-head kept at it for a good minute.

And the spray was far-reaching.  Why nobody was reacting was beyond me.  That made things very hard for my nervous brains.

And I just couldn’t stop laughing unless I started making words out loud.

I thought it was witty.

Who can’t have a sense of humor about their babies nasty habits?

But man, I was getting nothing from the audience.  A little of this….

…and a little of that….

Talk about crash and burn!

But then I looked at the face of the mama.

And she had the hurt feelings.

Mainly because…

Someone.  Help.

Please help.

Just shoot me in the head with a big bag of sugar.

That would be a good enough way to go.

I was longing for an enormous pink school bus to come careening around the corner and take down a tree or two.

Where are your distractors when you need them?

I had to think MUCH FASTER than I am accustomed to thinking.   I decided my safest route would be the “unfazed teaser” route.

And it started working…..

Oh thank you Mother Theresa.

And then things just went back to normal, except my psyche, which is forever scarred.