I am Vignette Diesel!

I am obscenely jealous of people who enjoy eating healthy food.  You know, all those people who watched Super-Size me and WERE NOT immediately in the mood for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese. I take my scarf off to you.  Why can’t I be you, you healthy nut?I don’t understand the person who geeks out over boiled asparagus, or the person who tries one tiny bite of a triple-decker-chocolate-fudge-cake with piles of cream cheese icing and then goes… *too*

I could plant my face in that cake and chew my way to the bottom before the candles burn out.I once saw Sarah Jessica Parker on Oprah and she was all…Oh whatever Mrs Sarah Jessica Parker Matthew Broderick.  

 

We can’t all be ballerinas.

Still…..I wish I was one of those people. You know who you are.At least once a day I seriously think about where I might be able to get my hands on some candy.  And its not just “I’d like a piece of chocolate.”.  No, that would be normal.

I want Laffy Taffy.  And Nerdz Ropes.  And King Sized M&Ms.  And some cupcakes.  And Sonic.  The whole thing.How did this happen to me?  My mom was the Queen of Natural Foods.  She made her own whole wheat noodles on a baking dish.  I know I’ve used “Fruit Roll-ups” in a blog before, but the fact is that we never got within grabbing distance of a fruit-rollup.  We ordered “Fruit Leather”from some Coo-coo Co-op.  You want to know what it tasted like?  Exactly as good as it sounds. Like somebody smashed 47 strawberries with the bottom of their shoe, took a blow-drier to the mess and then peeled the result off their sole.  And then there was her home-made bread. Thick. Heavy. Crumbly.  Painful.So now, I’m like 30-something and I just pumped out some babies, and I just can’t eat the things I want to eat.  When I was pregnant, I got big.  It was a total shock. And even though I shrunk back down afterwards, things just ain’t the same.

And so……I JOINED THE GYM!

ME!!!

When The Dark Knight comes home for lunch, I rush out the door, no matter what I look like. No matter what I feel like. No. Matter. What.And boy do I hate it. I listen to something totally hard-core, just to make it through.And when I finally finish, I’m pretty much Queen of the Universe.But then I go home and I’m all…But one change at a time, people. One change at a time!

What I’m hoping for is that I’ll get some killer muscles and they’ll take care of the Fee-fees at night while I’m sleeping.It works that way, right?

 

22 Comments

  • I still use your mom’s pumpkin muffin recipe:)

    • Hmmmmm. She must have acquired that after the birth of the 5th child. By the time I moved out they were chowing on everything from velveeta to white bread. I totally got jipped. :)

  • Phone-a-friend and I are right there with you doing that face-plant in the cake…:)

    • Oh yeah! That’s one of my favorite things about Phone-a-Friend. She will totally cram the peanut butter cups with me.

  • Your mom taught me how to make bread! Still making whole wheat loaves 28yrs later, right along with the double chocolate chip cookies she didn’t teach me about!

    • I rebelled against that bread. Is it bread? Is it meatloaf? Is it dehydrated potting soil?

  • I feel for you on the slogging uphill on a treadmill..though i recommend As I Lay Dying rather than Vanilla Ice. You will get a very fierce look in your eyes..and probably generate power with the treadmill. I love your new blog format. ~Craighead

  • Don’t worry, Vanilla Ice is not on my song list. As I Lay Dying sounds like a great exercise companion, though.

    • Whaaaat? Is *NOT* on your song list? Pfffftt. Whatev.

      • The Dark Knight and I share an ipod. He’s all “This doesn’t sound like Shostokovich!”

  • Don’t forget to include me in the face plant cake eating party with phone a friend. Thank you for the laughter over this blog. Lynn

    • Yes, despite your exclamation that a certain desert was too rich, you’re still in my category.

  • Ha ha! My mom’s homemade bread was awesome. It was not whole wheat and there was good old-fashioned lard in the recipe. Yum. (That said, I do love me some roasted asparagus!) Good luck on the treadmill – Queen of the Universe, indeed!

    • Yay for lard!

  • I am having flashbacks to us finding every last peice of change so that we could walk to the store and buy candy, or cave-kid push pops, or ice cream sandwiches. I am pretty sure we always ate ALL of whatever we bought.

    • Runts.

  • I love how your exercise shoes look likes bricks. Feels that way, doesn’t it?!

    • They are the best. Stylish and effective.

  • We had Bear Mush (healthy malt o meal made from shredded cardboard i think) with a cup of wheat germ added in. To make it healthy. It always burned too. When I got my first apartment, I bought a loaf of Wonder white bread, a package (16 count) of Kraft singles, and miracle whip. And I Ate. It. All.

  • Ah, the famous homemade whole wheat bread.
    Your mom tried to teach me how to make it too.
    It didn’t work out.
    Neither did learning how to cut up a whole chicken…
    😛
    I just about wet my pants at your description of fruit leather from the coo coo co-op!

  • Hers didn’t really work out either…….

    • Mama, I love you even if I detested your bread!

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