I’ve been to at least 47 million movies with my friend, Lynn. Before I reproduced, we’d go and see several in a row. We’d sit there and cram chocolate-covered raisins in our faces and chill.(Note-From here on out, all chocolate-covered raisins will be referred to as Fee-Fees. “Chocolate-covered raisins” takes too long to spell and I eat them A LOT. Why Fee-Fees? Its all my brothers fault.)
My brother and Family Friend
Anyway, my friend Lynn and I went to see Mr. Deeds. I barely remember the name of the movie and I have no idea what it was about because of a very
“glad it didn’t happen to me” unfortunate incident. My friend Lynn is very “conservative“. I appreciate that about her. “Butt” is her 4-letter-word. One, I might add, that she never uses. (And by an interesting coincidence, the Very Unfortunate Incident directly involves a butt.)
So we were cramming and watching.Seems like I saw some of the movie, but the Butt Incident erased it from my memory like that amnesia drug they give you when you go to the dentist. You know the one? You come home and don’t remember how you got there and then you watch The Family Stone, which The Dark Knight lovingly rented for you. But he quickly realizes, even if you don’t, that your meds are still doing their job, because after the movie is over you look at him, all angry, and say…So here we are, sitting with our Fee-Fees.
The theater is packed.
And I see her coming towards us.She was pretty.She was oblivious.She was short.And she had a bigHUGEBUTT!Or maybe it was just the glow-in-the-dark white pants she was wearing. But girlfriend was squeezing down that isle like the guy who can’t wait to get off the plane.Seeing as I am a Sasquatch with crazy Sasquatch legs and skateboard feet, I casually curled up into a nice, neat, comfy, cozy ball in my chair.In hindsight, I should have warned Lynn. But Lynn is TINY! I never thought in a million years that when the Rump Lady passed in front of Lynn, this would happen….For a moment I think Miss Rump was captivated by the movie, but at some point she decided to move on. That’s when she first became aware of the glitch.Lynn clutched her bag to her chest and stopped breathing.Miss Rumplestiltskin tried lurching left……and then right.But ain’t nobody goin nowhere.It was a never-ending story whose main characters were Lynn’s Knee and an Anonymous Butt-Crack. I’m pretty sure she prayed at that point.…because suddenly it was as if God heard her prayer and decided to grant an immediate, affirmative answer.
It happened quickly, butt (haha) I’ll give you the slo-mo version.Ok, that visual didn’t really work but you get the picture. She dislodged herself.
And without a glance or a word of condolence, The Rump was off. And Lynn was teetering on the precipice of Scarred For Life.Once the trauma was over with, we were able to breath again. But then the full impact of the Very Unfortunate Incident began to sink in.Laughing in a theater is a lot like laughing in church. You just have to buckle down and stifle it. Especially when you are sitting next to Mr. Rump.