Browsing "Best Of"

Guess who’s back!

 

I’ll give you a hint… its NOT Arnold Schwarzenegger….

 

Its me!

 

sort of….

 

Me on a really really good day (in my 20’s)

 

 

Maybe not so accurate right now….

 

 

Do I feel better this week? Yes and no.

I’ve had a nice break from…..drawing….

??

We went to the coast for a few days.  It was…..

 

But wonderful nonetheless.

The worst part was when Siegfried dropped my ipad on concrete floor and it shattered.

 

The most relaxing part was when I took the longest nap on the planet.

 

 

And the yummiest part was when The Dark Knight grilled out on the deck and we had fajitas and sausage and nom nom nom nom!!!

 

And now we’re home and I’m having more and more and more and more quality time with my offspring.

 

And I’ve shipped off some paintings.

 

And my car broke down late at night and I had to walk home from the store with a bunch of flippin’ milk.

 

But to celebrate my return, I’m doing another painting (the original, not the print!) giveaway!

The Baobab.  

(We took about 15 shots and this is the only one that didn’t come out blurry.  Nice.)

Just leave a comment on this post and I’ll put the names into a hat and draw one on Monday!

Also, I’m leaving up my etsy discount for two more weeks (to help pay for a car repair and an iPad screen) in case you want to get an order in.  And even if you don’t, go check it out because I have new photos up. Not new paintings, just awesomer photos.

See you Monday!

I am Vignette Diesel!

I am obscenely jealous of people who enjoy eating healthy food.  You know, all those people who watched Super-Size me and WERE NOT immediately in the mood for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese. I take my scarf off to you.  Why can’t I be you, you healthy nut?I don’t understand the person who geeks out over boiled asparagus, or the person who tries one tiny bite of a triple-decker-chocolate-fudge-cake with piles of cream cheese icing and then goes… *too*

I could plant my face in that cake and chew my way to the bottom before the candles burn out.I once saw Sarah Jessica Parker on Oprah and she was all…Oh whatever Mrs Sarah Jessica Parker Matthew Broderick.  

 

We can’t all be ballerinas.

Still…..I wish I was one of those people. You know who you are.At least once a day I seriously think about where I might be able to get my hands on some candy.  And its not just “I’d like a piece of chocolate.”.  No, that would be normal.

I want Laffy Taffy.  And Nerdz Ropes.  And King Sized M&Ms.  And some cupcakes.  And Sonic.  The whole thing.How did this happen to me?  My mom was the Queen of Natural Foods.  She made her own whole wheat noodles on a baking dish.  I know I’ve used “Fruit Roll-ups” in a blog before, but the fact is that we never got within grabbing distance of a fruit-rollup.  We ordered “Fruit Leather”from some Coo-coo Co-op.  You want to know what it tasted like?  Exactly as good as it sounds. Like somebody smashed 47 strawberries with the bottom of their shoe, took a blow-drier to the mess and then peeled the result off their sole.  And then there was her home-made bread. Thick. Heavy. Crumbly.  Painful.So now, I’m like 30-something and I just pumped out some babies, and I just can’t eat the things I want to eat.  When I was pregnant, I got big.  It was a total shock. And even though I shrunk back down afterwards, things just ain’t the same.

And so……I JOINED THE GYM!

ME!!!

When The Dark Knight comes home for lunch, I rush out the door, no matter what I look like. No matter what I feel like. No. Matter. What.And boy do I hate it. I listen to something totally hard-core, just to make it through.And when I finally finish, I’m pretty much Queen of the Universe.But then I go home and I’m all…But one change at a time, people. One change at a time!

What I’m hoping for is that I’ll get some killer muscles and they’ll take care of the Fee-fees at night while I’m sleeping.It works that way, right?

 

Why so hard to do the things right?

So my father-in-law, Mr. The Dark Knight Sr, is a structural engineer. He are real, real smart.  Thankfully, he’s seen some of my grandest and most subtle hints of brilliance, (which is fabulous because I love to look intelligent in front of those kinds of people).

Like the time we were eating dinner with him and Honey, and they were all saying smart things and I was chowing on some pineapple.One of those bizarre masticating hiccups occurred after I stabbed a huge piece of pineapple with my fork and tried to bite it in half because it was way too big to fit into my mouth (run-on…..).It slipped off my fork and I COULD NOT get it to sever in two.I hunched over in hopes that it would detach and fall onto my plate.It was not a success.I was trying not to be all grabby with my food, so instead I took advantage of the awesome power of motion.And that didn’t work out for me, so I finally gave up and made use of my phalanges, including my often underutilized opposable thumbs, and I pried it in half. It took quite a bit of effort, and in the end a tiny nugget was all I managed to rip off, leaving me with a gargantuan wad of stringy fruit to somehow process with my mouth closed! I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed. And as I chewed I glanced casually around the table to check for witnesses.But, that’s ancient history.  I’ve changed and grown since then.  Yesterday was a good example of that.  It didn’t start out great, but it definitely got worse.

The boys were all…And then I had to go into work that night because we’d received a truck-load of furniture and the store looked like this…So I pushed and pulled and hung and stacked and hid things….The store began to look marvelous again. But I was mentally and physically obliterated so I left. I walked to our car, which used to belong to Honey and Mr. The Dark Knight Sr.

I got in and tried to turn the key…I tried everything.But nothing worked!  Not a single thing. And I did it all at least 4 times. So I broke down and called Mr. The Dark Knight Sr.And so, late at night, Mr. The Dark Knight Sr had to drive all the way over to my place of business and try to fix my car.  He tried the key.He turned the wheel.He messed with the brakes.(I did notice, however, that he failed to push any of the buttons. I’m just sayin…)But then he tried something I didn’t think of.

The Very Unfortunate Incident

I’ve been to at least 47 million movies with my friend, Lynn.  Before I reproduced, we’d go and see several in a row.  We’d sit there and cram chocolate-covered raisins in our faces and chill.(Note-From here on out, all chocolate-covered raisins will be referred to as Fee-Fees.  “Chocolate-covered raisins” takes too long to spell and I eat them A LOT.  Why Fee-Fees? Its all my brothers fault.)

My brother and Family Friend

Anyway, my friend Lynn and I went to see Mr. Deeds.  I barely remember the name of the movie and I have no idea what it was about because of a very “glad it didn’t happen to me” unfortunate incident.  My friend Lynn is very “conservative“. I appreciate that about her. “Butt” is her 4-letter-word.  One, I might add, that she never uses. (And by an interesting coincidence, the Very Unfortunate Incident directly involves a butt.)

So we were cramming and watching.Seems like I saw some of the movie, but the Butt Incident erased it from my memory like that amnesia drug they give you when you go to the dentist. You know the one?  You come home and don’t remember how you got there and then you watch The Family Stone, which The Dark Knight lovingly rented for you.  But he quickly realizes, even if you don’t, that your meds are still doing their job, because after the movie is over you look at him, all angry, and say…So here we are, sitting with our Fee-Fees.

The theater is packed.

And I see her coming towards us.She was pretty.She was oblivious.She was short.And she had a bigHUGEBUTT!Or maybe it was just the glow-in-the-dark white pants she was wearing. But girlfriend was squeezing down that isle like the guy who can’t wait to get off the plane.Seeing as I am a Sasquatch with crazy Sasquatch legs and skateboard feet, I casually curled up into a nice, neat, comfy, cozy ball in my chair.In hindsight, I should have warned Lynn. But Lynn is TINY! I never thought in a million years that when the Rump Lady passed in front of Lynn, this would happen….For a moment I think Miss Rump was captivated by the movie, but at some point she decided to move on. That’s when she first became aware of the glitch.Lynn clutched her bag to her chest and stopped breathing.Miss Rumplestiltskin tried lurching left……and then right.But ain’t nobody goin nowhere.It was a never-ending story whose main characters were Lynn’s Knee and an Anonymous Butt-Crack. I’m pretty sure she prayed at that point.…because suddenly it was as if God heard her prayer and decided to grant an immediate, affirmative answer.

It happened quickly, butt (haha) I’ll give you the slo-mo version.Ok, that visual didn’t really work but you get the picture. She dislodged herself.

And without a glance or a word of condolence, The Rump was off. And Lynn was teetering on the precipice of Scarred For Life.Once the trauma was over with, we were able to breath again. But then the full impact of the Very Unfortunate Incident began to sink in.Laughing in a theater is a lot like laughing in church. You just have to buckle down and stifle it.  Especially when you are sitting next to Mr. Rump.

 

 

 

Oct 10, 2011 - Best Of, Random Thoughts    19 Comments

Ok I want to grow up now.

I recently noticed that all my peers have nice family photos. I decided, man, I need to get me one of those.  So I sat down and started sketching out my ideas. I’ve pretty much always known how I would want my family portrait to look, but the Dark Knight said that even if he wanted his picture taken……. there is no way he would grow his hair into a mohawk and let me strap ammunition belts around his chest. I even offered to let him wear goggles. But no.

Fine.  I just erased him from my post-apocalyptic family portrait sketch. He’ll be sorry once he sees how awesomely our burlap-adorned likenesses are captured in the masterpiece that will eventually hang above the fireplace. Actually, it was my search for something to hang above the fireplace that prompted somebody to tell me I needed to grow up. I found 3 killer Tubas on ebay. They were being auctioned TOGETHER!!!

Who could let that opportunity pass?More often than not, I can suck the Dark Knight into my vortex of irresponsibility.When we lived in Chicago I buckled down and made a significant attempt at maturity. I wore black and got a cell phone and I even started going to Starbucks. Those were my incognito years months…..ok weeks.  It was more of a burst than an attempt.I always thought kids would “grow me up”, but come on, I had to wait like 13 years for Siegfried.  By then I was past the drop-out date. If I quit now I won’t get my money back.Phone-a-Friend was telling me about her 6-year-old’s ridiculously immature habit of opening a candy bar and just chunking that wrapper wherever she happens to be standing in the house.

Turns out, that’s my MO. The Dark Knight still gets onto me for it.Its just that I get so distracted by fun things.But even I have my breaking point. Most of the time my inner adult lies dormant……but sometimes it comes raging to the surface like a nasty zit.Then I get all Organized.

I make Phone Calls.

I make Lists.I’d love to know how other people…be…..adults.

Leave a comment!!

PLEASE!!!

Give me a responsible adult activity to put on my list. Or tell me why you don’t have one….

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