Jun 28, 2012 - Too Stupid To Live    83 Comments

A whole lot of no babies coming out of me.

The Dark Knight and I married when I was 21 and he was 19.

 

We were so young.  So young that we didn’t  really plan much of a wedding. Got married on Christmas Eve.  The Dark Knight couldn’t drive a stick shift yet so after the reception we (I) drove off and we went through the drive through of Taco Bell.  Me still in my Grandmother’s wedding dress and he in his borrowed tuxedo.

It was a little weird…..

Anyway, after that we moved to San Antonio for a few years.  During that time, I decided that, man, I wanted some kids.

 

Of course it didn’t happen.  Like, EVER.

5 years later we moved to Chicago, and for a brief period of time I was distracted from the thought of babies.

Sort of…..

 

But then we hit that age where all of our friends started pumping out babies.  And I mean PUMPING THEM OUT!!!

 

I can’t even tell you how many baby showers I went to.

 

Some of them I threw myself.  I didn’t mind most of it.  It was the conversation that killed me. It always started out with one hospital story and then escalated.

 

Don’t get me wrong, if I’d had a story to tell I would have been blathering on with the rest of them.

 

But I didn’t.  And now I was the oldest and I had been married the longest.

About 10 years into our marriage I really, truly gave it up.  No more baby thoughts. No more urinating on sticks.  Nothing.  I just KNEW.  I knew it wasn’t going to happen and I was ok.  So we sold all our junk and moved to Africa.

At some point I flew back home for work.  When I returned I had THE WORST jet-lag.  I just couldn’t shake it.  On the morning of the 5th day home, I was pouring myself some coffee when the smell of it just about turned my face inside out.

 

For a brief second I had a tiny little thought.

 

And after 13 years of marriage, I urinated on a stick that produced a result I had not yet seen….

 

I probably stared at it for 5 minutes, trying to figure it out.

 

And then I realized that my whole world view was about to change.  And I ran!

 

We lived on the strawberry farm at that point and The Dark Knight was down the road at the farm stall.  I ran to find him.

When I found him, I announced in very uncertain terms, the situation.

And he understood me anyway and hugged me and said, “congratulations.”

And then I sat on the porch and happy-sobbed for like 30 minutes.

 

The Beginning.

83 Comments

  • I love reading your blog! I almost blew mango juice out my nose when I saw that “baby-pumping” pic!

    • Yeah that might be my favorite drawing ever. They should print it on scrubs for nurses to wear…..

      • I work at a hospital. Please, PLEASE put the pic on the scrubs!!!!

        • I think I’ll try!

          • I am not a nurse. Neither is my husband.
            But both my husband and I have decided we would wear those scrubs.
            Oh, yes, we would.

  • Imagine trying for years to have said baby/babies and being told “never happening”. Then getting knocked up while on the pill having “been with” hubby only one night in erratic cycle. The “is it mine” question that he asked was, in retrospect, fair. I cried for weeks. Nay, months.

    • I totally understand! It’s shocking, isn’t it!?

  • Are you trying to tell us something?? Are you doing the ugly cry:)

    • No. I would be thrilled. Although I am ALMOST old. Also, pregnancy puts me on crutches…..

  • so glad that jet lag turned out to be Siegfried , he’s much more fun. Cathy

    • He sure is. I love mine baby!

  • Pumping babies for the win!!! (That has got to be your funniest pic ever.)

    I like the uncertainty-stick pic too because it reminds me of a girl I knew in high school who admitted to my girlfriend at the time that she had unprotected sex “every day”, and that she thought she “might” be pregnant. So she went and bought one of those kits they used to sell where instead of a stick, you had liquid in a tube, and if it turned blue, you were preggers.

    She went into the bathroom and used it, coming out ten minutes later with a vial of the bluest liquid I have ever seen. “It’s inconclusive,” she said. “It’s not really blue.” My girlfriend and I just looked at each other. Uhhhh… Yeah.

    • Thanks I like that one too. I would have drawn more pampers if i’d had the room!

      • Pumpers…..

        • Damn, I wish I could think of sonhmeitg smart like that!

        • Hey Michelle,Thanks for stopping by. And what an interesting concept. I think there is room for almost another whole post on which children’s lit books I would preserve (after all, we can’t necessarily have future children reading 1984, right? We’ll need to save some books for them, too). Hmm. I’ll have to think on that one. And look forward to seeing your post. Hope you have a good weekend.

  • This. Rocked.

    • Thanks Cat! Glad it’s over with. :)

  • So funny! The baby-pumpin’ pic was definitely worthy of juice-spewing and I’m still laughing at the ‘announcement’.

    • Yeah I was a mess. He is lucky I didn’t just shove the stick in his eyeball. I was so excited!

  • Can I be the baby pumpin’ lady on the right? She got a little more attitude about the whole thing.

    • You are TOTALLY the lady on the right!

  • This was amazing and adorable and hilarious and REAL! I loved it. Every word and every picture was perfect.
    I almost died laughing at the “pumping babies out” pic and the “ugly cry” picture.
    You are awesome.
    Great job!!

    • Thank you Dawn! What a fantastic compliment!!
      Thanks for reading!

  • Oh. My. Gosh.
    Yes, the baby-pumping pic got me too. Claire and I are giggling at it right now!

  • Omg… you made me cry at the end along with you! LOVE this post!!! And first I had to crack up at the babies popping out – I’m happy to see that non of them were breached (however you say that? Born breached? In the breached position???) – A few years late… but congratulations! :)

    • Thanks lady! I’m a lucky girl! A lot of girls’ stories don’t end this way.

  • Love this. Loved it then: the e-mail version that made my heart stop for a moment. Love it now with the illustrations: the baby pumping. Also the birth stories at the baby shower. Don’t forget all the little comments like “you can never really know what it is to be selfless until you have a baby!” “You’ll never experience real love until you have a baby!” “You’ll never be a real woman until you have a baby!” Gah.

    • Oh yes! The “love” comments. I had a women tell me that motherhood was a club that I would never understand.
      Thanks…..?

  • HA! This one is too funny! I agree with everyone else, the “baby pumping” pic is the best ever! You are too funny!

    • Thanks. I told the dark knight that I had just drawn my very favorite picture. It will only go downhill from here….

  • It feels kind of redundant to tell you at this point how much I *LOVE* the baby pumping pic, but I couldn’t restrain myself. *LOVE*! I’m glad your story turned out the way it did because I love your boys’ rainbow barf and “mine blankie!” yelling.

    • Thanks skwishee!!! I was a little worried I’d offend people. Apparently I’m a little bit prudish.

  • Oh my god, I nearly spit out my strawberries at the baby-pumping picture. Best. Picture. Ever. I hope you don’t mind, but I am so linking this post in the comments on Stirrup Queen’s roundup. Because every woman who’s ever struggled to have a baby NEEDS to see that picture.

    • Thank you Stephanie!! I’ve never heard of that. I’ll go check it out!

  • Freakin’ awesome. Your drawings put mine to shame, sister. Also, you give me hope that one day, I’ll be spitting a baby outta my special place, too. Rock on.

    • There is hope!! Thanks for reading, Abby!!

  • I love this. Thank you for this :-)

    • You are welcome! And thank you for reading and COMMENTING! It literally makes my day.

  • Awww. This is so great! I laughed hard at the baby pumping picture too. I’m glad that you had a happy ending and a wonderful positive on that stick!

    • Oh and I totally noticed the subtle changes in the spellings on your shirt. Do I get a prize?!

      • Yes! Accolades for you!!!!!:)

      • Calazans poisé, coincidência demais! Então, que bom que vocês são o primeiro casal. Agora tô bem prsaoupadc.@Mayea a igreja é a São Judas Tadeu, conhece? Somos o segundo casal da noite, tem 3. Acho melhor conversar bem com o padre mesmo.. poxa, não quero sair escondida pela sacristia. Tô ficando triste!!

      • wow, what a source of inspiration your blog is, I’m amazed at all wonderful art and artist you have found! I’m going to check several out right away. And thanks for taking part in my small blog celebration

      • Jan M. Fijor pisze:Hola, hola…w USA bank centralny zostal ustanowiony w 1913 roku, razem z podatkiem dochodowym, a wiec to bylo wiek XX. Dopoki banku centralnego (FED) nie bylo, kryzysy byly lekkie i krotkie. Nie wiem czy pan wie, ale FED jest bankiem prywatnym i to w duzym stopniu nie-amerykanskiem. Uklony Jan M Fijor

  • The baby pumping pic…. If I had a printer, I’d print that out and hang it on my wall because it makes me giggle so!

    • Hi! Thank you! Thank goodness I can’t do sound effects yet, right?

  • You are a freakin’ computer cartoon genius. And the rest?

    • We came back from Africa with nothing but dogs and a baby. No possessions, no home, no cars. Even with a PhD (or because of it), jobs were hard to find. I got pregnant AGAIN (another shock) while we were pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. Its been a hard couple of years. And wonderful!

  • Holy crap. I want that popping out babies drawing on a T-shirt! I just about pooped my pants laughing!

    • I’m so glad!!! It’s my favorite too. I’ve been considering it for months. :)

  • ok…this was brilliance and i am the you that was then. lol…except 35 and i’ve been trying for 3 years. I’m hoping for your outcome…it would be a nice surprise. Gives me a lot of hope…I think you need to make a hallmark card with the baby pumping image..I would buy it!
    by the way i lovies your blog.

    • I’m rooting for you Jacky! Thanks for reading! And yes….a card would be good, wouldn’t it? Hmmmmmm…….

  • Aw man, not to repeat what everyone else has already commented on, but Baby Pumping made me laugh hysterically. I went though that, everyone popping ’em out like candy, while I have two dogs and a hubs, but no little person. For a while it seriously rained babies amongst our friends.

    • Yeah it almost feels like a “fad” when it’s happening. Like suddenly all the celebrities are pumping them out too. Was it always like that???

  • I would like to say for the record that a baby CAN in fact break his mother’s tailbone. And that it is impossible to put one’s ass in a sling to recover from said injury. And that said big-headed child has NEVER APOLOGIZED.

    Plus: baby-pumping picture is indeed stellar. totally stellar.

    • I know! My first DID break my tailbone! Such a bummer!

  • I particularly liked the baby pumping ballerina! Genius.
    X

    • Surely it’s easier for ballerinas (being so bendy and all).

  • AWESOME post. I’m gonna be the oddball and say I love the baby shower labor stories drawing the best. I have sat through so many of those conversations!

    • I have too. They were excruciating. Glad most of my friends are done….

  • This post was so endearing! Loved it! :) You finally got your baby!! Bet you have all sorts of crazy names picked out already! Congrats!!

    p.s. I love your blog! Just came across it and love the comics and writing that goes along with it! made me chuckle right around the day that I needed it… thank you! :)

  • hilarious!!! stephanie at clay baboons sent me to your blog, and I will definitely be back to read more!!

    best,
    MOV

  • Please let me know when the baby pumping picture is available as a t-shirt, coffee mug, or both because I’M BUYING.

    Also? Congrats!

  • Love this story and love the drawings!

    Came through from Clay Baboons.

  • Oh, so hilarious. So much. Pumping babies…wow!

  • What a great story – on such a sensitive topic! Loved every part of it – except for the babies pumping, the best part would have to be the Taco Bell picture =) Found you through Clay Baboons =)
    xo Anja @ cocalores.blogspot.com

  • Ummm this was amazing! :)
    Your pictures are fantastic and your story, though presented in a hilarious manner, is touching to say the least.

  • I love this! My friends are just turning the corner from fearing babies to wanting to pump them out also. I have thrown a couple showers now. Not being a big fan of games, I thought I hit the jackpot when I decided to freeze plastic babies in ice cubes. The first guest whose cube melts wins a prize because their “water broke.” Genius! However, when I put the cubes in a strawberry punch and one of the guests likened it to an abortion, I realized that maybe this wasn’t the best game either…

  • so glad you added this your sidebar. That pic of the happy angelic moms tossin out their babies? oh, girl. you have a knack for this funny business!!!!!! Still laughing over here.

  • What an engaging post — I was immediately swept up into your personal story, and rooting for you the whole way through! Plus, it was so funny! I love your eloquent communication to Dark Knight when you announce your pregnancy! And the pumping out babies graphic is hilarious!!

  • I’ve had two friends in the past few weeks have announcements such as this. I cried for them, I was so happy. They’d tried/struggled for so long.

    This was hilarious. I think I gave birth to my children like the ladies in your “pumping babies out” pics.

    Hooyeah!

  • After not nearly as long as you but a good two years of my own stick-peeing career, I managed to THROW AWAY my first positive pregnancy test, probably not even entertaining the idea to actually look at it.

    Three days later, after peeing on another stick, I ran screaming to the trash and pulled it out, then ran screaming to my husband to show him my collection.

    So yes, I get this.

    • Brent, we.s ÂlaidlI am a big fan of the card game, especially if you get to yell BULLSHIT really loud. I think I like this game even more in real life, though yelling BULLSHIT in public might be a bit awkward. Nonetheless, you’re calling it like it should be called.

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  • You are a genius. Love especially the image of the babies flying out of women. If you go to BlogHer13, will you try to find me and say hi, please?

  • I am laughing and crying. Hilarious and lovable drawings. I’m hooked!

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