The Dark Knight and I married when I was 21 and he was 19.

We were so young.  So young that we didn’t  really plan much of a wedding. Got married on Christmas Eve.  The Dark Knight couldn’t drive a stick shift yet so after the reception we (I) drove off and we went through the drive through of Taco Bell.  Me still in my Grandmother’s wedding dress and he in his borrowed tuxedo.

It was a little weird…..

Anyway, after that we moved to San Antonio for a few years.  During that time, I decided that, man, I wanted some kids.

Of course it didn’t happen.  Like, EVER.

5 years later we moved to Chicago, and for a brief period of time I was distracted from the thought of babies.

Sort of…..

But then we hit that age where all of our friends started pumping out babies.  And I mean PUMPING THEM OUT!!!

I can’t even tell you how many baby showers I went to.

Some of them I threw myself.  I didn’t mind most of it.  It was the conversation that killed me. It always started out with one hospital story and then escalated.

Don’t get me wrong, if I’d had a story to tell I would have been blathering on with the rest of them.

But I didn’t.  And now I was the oldest and I had been married the longest.

About 10 years into our marriage I really, truly gave it up.  No more baby thoughts. No more urinating on sticks.  Nothing.  I just KNEW.  I knew it wasn’t going to happen and I was ok.  So we sold all our junk and moved to Africa.

At some point I flew back home for work.  When I returned I had THE WORST jet-lag.  I just couldn’t shake it.  On the morning of the 5th day home, I was pouring myself some coffee when the smell of it just about turned my face inside out.

For a brief second I had a tiny little thought.

And after 13 years of marriage, I urinated on a stick that produced a result I had not yet seen….

I probably stared at it for 5 minutes, trying to figure it out.

And then I realized that my whole world view was about to change.  And I ran!

We lived on the strawberry farm at that point and The Dark Knight was down the road at the farm stall.  I ran to find him.

When I found him, I announced in very uncertain terms, the situation.

And he understood me anyway and hugged me and said, “congratulations.”

And then I sat on the porch and happy-sobbed for like 30 minutes.

The Beginning.

I’m. So. Vain.

Or really, I’m a girl.

It comes with the territory.

I used to be fairly well groomed.  But when we moved overseas I decided I was going to stop dying my hair.  Yikes!

I succeeded too!  Until I got a few “violet” streaks in my hair this past year, I haven’t dyed it at all.  Lets see if I have a picture……

A blurry bathroom shot. Lucky you.

Anyway, on Friday I got hit with a sudden urge to groom myself.  Its been a while.  Its like I came out of the fog of winter…

*Like we even HAVE a winter...

…and suddenly noticed that I was in a bad state of disrepair.  I could be condemned any minute now.  I think it was the moment I took my scarf off and looked in the mirror.  Wow.

Scary.

I was looking like “Oprah Without Makeup”.  You know about that. Don’t act like you don’t!

One minute she’s all…

That looks nothing like her but you know what I mean.

And then, like an hour after taping, she’s all…

Don’t freak out.  I’m not knocking the Oaps.  I have the same thing going on.  Me without makeup is scary.

Except put on some makeup.

Which I decided to do.

And it wasn’t just my face that needed attention.

Dang!  That is truly frightening.  Look at the size of those fingers! You think I exaggerate?

Hang on I’m gonna go take a picture of my hand….

Bam!

Those are some long phalanges!  And no, my skin isn’t THAT blotchy.  It was dark and my phone takes grainy shots…..

Man, I should have photoshopped that out…

Anyway, on Friday night I slunk into Walgreens….

I’m starting from scratch here, so I just grabbed a few things and sped back home.

I laid the items out on my vanity.

Yeah right.

Like I have a vanity.

I dumped them on the floor.

Wow. So much money for little tiny things.

I looked them over and then put them away hastily.  I can’t have my makeup out with the little people around.

But the next morning I decided to PRIMP!

I plucked three eyebrow hairs!

I took a long bath!

Then I dried my hair and put on some MAKEUP!!!

I felt like 47 million bucks!

Then I walked into a livingroom full of guys.

The first guy wanted to be picked up.

The second guy freaked out over the sight of hair.

Ruint!! 

Its a good thing my scarf makes me so happy….

There is a reason I haven’t posted more this week.

But if I tell you, you’ll all know think I’m crazy.

This project has pushed me over the edge.

I made me a chair!  

I took a dead chair and glued some leather and some velvet and some fabric on it and then attached it to a bolt of lighting.

!!!

Now it is my pretty pretty chair.  And I am suffering from chair-creating exhaustion.

I will retreat into my Pretty Pretty until next week…

Until then?

BEHOLD!  MY CREATION!!!!

…..so much of the pretty…..

Why on earth did I ever think I could keep a blog going at this time in my life?  Where did this COME from???

The Dark Knight and I have been married for almost 17 YEARS!  Thats enough time to write The Twilight series (in 400 different languages).  All those free evenings!  What did I do back when I could do and eat whatever I wanted??

(We didn’t dance. We are so NOT dancers)

Even after just one kid I had a little of the spunk left.

(This photo was taken by Amy-Rose King at a photo-shoot with Ashley Rogers.  You should look at their stuff and be wowed!!!!)

But now…..I’ve had two kids.  And they are at the age that kills my brain cells.  Its the little things that break a person down.

The unsolicited announcements…..

The unseen altercations…

Boy’s habit of clocking me in the face with absolutely anything and everything he wants me to see or do.

Its a form of torture that should be illegal.  Especially when I’m holding him.

But there are a FEW moments that make it all cool.

Cool-ish…

No, really I think everything they do smells like rainbows.  They are PERFECT.  

Once again I’m linking up with other bloggers at Yeahwrite.me

Read. Vote.

This week has been so crazy that I can hardly keep up with my phone.  THATS saying something.  And Lynn is out of town so I’ve been moping about that.

I haven’t had time to draw.   So here are a few lame pics to distract you from my shortcomings (or to highlight them. Whichever)

We went to a wedding party on a ranch last Saturday night.  It was fabulous.  Siegfried and Boy cleaned a dirty camper  using an entire package of my wet wipes.  Fun for them, I guess…

Boy has allergies and thus spends his crabby hours walking around with his blankie stuffed in his mouth.

Also I’m still doing the projects.

I dyed these lamps red.

….and the counter top.  And both my hands. And several of Siegfried’s socks….

And I’m moving everything on my walls around.  This picture of Siegfried and I?

Its been EVERYWHERE.  On EVERY WALL.

Now its in the bedroom.

But what I’ve spent most of my time and energy doing this week is moping about The Wump.

We got a letter from the HOA here saying that he was a total lard-butt way over the weight limit and we had to get rid of him immediately.

First I was all…

Which immediately turned to….

And now its….

We couldn’t find anyone who would take him.  So I started calling rescues and shelters. Full, full, full. Overflowing, in fact.

For a second there I thought we might have to put him to sleep.  But then family came to our rescue and agreed to take him.  Thank you, family.

We’ve had him for 7 years. He’s been EVERYWHERE, man!  He’s even been to the French Quarter in New Orleans.  I haven’t even been to New Orleans.

Anyway, yet another ode to my dog.

Before I had babies, he was my baby.

(Wow. Look at the size of my feet.  Remind me never to wear flip flops with skinny jeans….)

But then I had Siegfried while in Africa and I had to explain to the Wump that he was now playing second fiddle.

Poor, poor sweet Wumpy.

His fur drives me nuts.  And his constant skittering around in the kitchen.  But I still love him.

My lazy freak-of-nature…..